summertime sadness

Recently there's been one word to describe the temperature here, and that is freezing. It's not that I don't like the cold, actually that's kind of a lie, I really don't like the cold. I like cold weather when I can curl up next to the fire and drink hot chocolate.

The cold weather makes me miss home. I'm not homesick though. A lot of people are really excited about going back home for thanksgiving, but I don't feel like that at all. Don't get me wrong, I miss my parents and family and wyatt,  jazz a boo, and even poe, but I don'g obsess over going back, in fact I'd really rather not have to go back.

I'm not homesick for home, I'm homesick for how it use to be. I miss the inbetween.

I know that things have to change because that's how life works, but I miss the time I use to wish would end sooner.
 I miss seeing everyone and knowing what would happen and when. I miss running barefoot through the stoneleigh fields while A chases me  while M and N are laughing their heads off at the sight of us, I miss rolling into the Towson diner at 3 in the morning and the waiters knowing our order already. We'd sit in the sticky plastic booth, playing with the straws and condensation on the old fashion milkshake glasses while N and A take forever to finish their pizza fries and burgers, which are nasty to begin with. I miss blasting 'grillz' and 'boyz in da hood' while driving on baltimore street and through remington, we knew it was stupid but we thought we were indestructible. I miss the countless  nights we wound up in M's basement. I miss N yelling at me and M to hurry up, saying he and A will leave without us. I miss Ra being our 5th wheel. I miss the nights we hopped the fence and snuck into the pool. I miss all the stupid things we did this past summer and how funny we all thought we were. I miss even miss the lie that it would all stay the same.

So I'm not excited for thanksgiving break but I'm really excited for Christmas break. I can't wait to decorate our massive tree (jazz hates christmas trees ever since  one fell on him), to take over the kitchen baking our coveted christmas cookies, to have the house smell like evergreen and cinnamon, to make christmas countdown chains, advent calenders, to fill  the christmas crackers (not actually crackers, they're a paper cone shaped thing filled with a christmas crown and a cheap toy. they're called crackers because of the snap they make when pulled.), to break out my flannel sheets, to get everyone presents, to wrap and decorate the presents, and to see my family and M and Ra and possibly N and A, depends on how bored we get.

But, in the mean time, I'll just open my window all the way to make the room less like a sauna and spray the gingerbread glade.

They say that breaking is what your heart is for…

They say that breaking is what your heart is for…

I have major issues with people lying to me. It goes back to when I was a little kid; I had an unusual childhood blah, blah, blah. This is also why I have issue trusting people. You can’t always believe what people tell you or who they make themselves out to be. A lot of people wear a mask and hide their true identity.

R is one of these people. I trusted him, and I was wrong. Its really as simple as that.

If you know who R is, you might think he’s a good guy, and I use to think so too. I’m not writing about what happened to place the blame on him, but to help understand what happened and make sense of everything.

R broke up with me on Sunday outside of Marion. It was freezing. I was trying not to cry as the leaves fell onto the volleyball court. People were staring, but at a school this size, when aren’t they? He said what he had to say and I laughed.

 I stood up, “Well… I don’t know what else to say so, I’m going back inside because I’m cold and have to cry. But just so you know- I’m pretty sure you just broke my heart a little”

“Catie…. I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

And that was it. 

That was the end of what I thought was going to be a lot more. Better than anything else that had ever been before. My friends said he was stupid and would come around. Others said a sophomore had played me. Girls in my hall laughed at me, that dumb freshman girl who’d been lured, baited, hooked, and tricked by a sophomore guy in a fraternity. The same old story, same old ending.

So the outcome of all of this is that I learned a valuable lesson. A cheesy lesson, but nonetheless a valuable one. I have really strong relationships at R.C, maybe not the type of relationship I thought would be the strongest, but 100% better. I have the best friends in the world. I realized that these past two weeks. V is there for me at the drop of a hat. M is always willing to beat someone up, well at least joke about doing so. S is willing to catystrate someone for me-don’t worry we’re keeping the knives away from that one.. KC and I are literally the same person. And Md has the ability to make me laugh way too hard. And everyone else is equally amazing too.

A lot of people I went to high school with constantly post about missing everyone back home. I miss a lot of people back home, but I left for a reason. I left to meet new people and experience new things. I’m so glad I’ve met people who I know I’ll be friends with for the rest of my life. These past two weeks have been as my ap English teacher PB would say, “a tale of two cities.” They were the absolute worst and yet also parts of the best times ever. I regret some parts  but still wouldn’t change anything. 

what really happened last weekend

It’s human error to make mistakes. Mistakes sometimes lead to the better things in your life, and sometimes, not so much. Last weekend, I made a mistake. A very serious mistake, that could have ended a lot worse. I didn’t pay as careful attention to who poured my drink, or what was in the drink. I won’t go into details because I can’t give that many.

I can say that I remember someone putting shorts on me.

Then it was pitch black.

R was called. And he called his R.A, who decided I needed to be taken to the hospital. The nurse looked really tired. Tired from working a late shift and from her work in general. I tried to focus on her face and comprehend what she was saying. It was black again. Then I heard,

“What are you to her?”

“I’m her boyfriend.”

“Were you with her? Did you see what happened?”

“No, ma’m  I was not. I wish I’d been there.”

Blackness.

Then R was standing next to me. He looked worried. He was stroking my hair. The nurse came back and poked me again and took him away.

“No! Don’t make him leave! R!! They’re being mean!”

“He’ll be back, he has to sign paperwork. Now shush.”

I was released around 3 am. It was cold. R asked if I wanted his coat, I said yes and we got into his friend’s car. 

It was black again.

R said he was walking me back to my room and people in my hall were making fun of him for trying to bring me back like that and they said he was a horrible person and was stupid. He turned around and said, “Fuck off”

R never looks the least bit scary, but when he told me that, his face was filled with pure rage.

I’m fine. I know not to be this stupid again. I know how scary it is. I got a call the other day that R was in the hospital, he was hit by a car on his bike. He’s fine. He has a broken collarbone, but he’s ok.

Last weekend was a mistake. That I don’t plan on reliving. It’s a jungle out there, but that doesn’t mean you should drink the jungle juice. But seriously, be careful guys.